Week 21

Before I get any further along in my pregnancy and totally eat these words, I guess I better get this out there. I didn't think that I would love being pregnant, but I sort of do.  I’m not sure if I will be this optimistic at 39 weeks when my feet are swollen and I can barely walk, I hope I am, but for today I’m really loving this. At 5 months pregnant, I know I at least like more than half of the experience.  If tomorrow I wake up and it's completely miserable, it's only 4 more months (plus a few weeks), which is crazy!  I've been a part of a lot of experiences for 4 month time periods, it's  practically one semester in college, and it isn't that much time, and looking at the past 5 months, which I have loved, I'm sure I'm going to enjoy these upcoming 4 months as well.  I love being pregnant. I honestly thought I wouldn't like it at all. I thought pregnancy looked awful and I was not really looking forward to it.   I don’t like sharing, I don’t like being reminded that my body has limitations, and I was really stressing about vanity coming into it.  Those that know me well, know that I looked at pregnancy as a miserable life step, I’m a little embarrassed by my past expectations, I’m not saying I would have done it sooner, but I wouldn't have come into it with such a negative outlook.  It’s the most amazing thing I've ever done.  

First, I love being able to provide this service so my daughter can enter this world.  I never thought of it this way, I don’t see it so much as “sharing” anymore even though that is technically what I am doing from a worldly perspective.  It reminds me that my body was a gift, lent to me from Heavenly Father and that it wasn't really mine to begin with.  Even though this is a physical bodily thing, it has helped me develop spiritually in ways I can’t even begin to describe. 

  Secondly, I am limited by what I am able to do physically in some aspects, I can’t ride roller coasters, ride a horse, and several of my dance moves I can’t do anymore because it could harm my baby, but I barely notice these limitations.  Instead of viewing pregnancy as a set of limitations on what I can’t do, I am amazed by what my body is able to do right now.  In some ways I am not even limited at all, my body’s capacity to perform its duties has been magnified. I understand now why people call a baby a miracle, because it truly is.  I was just amazed at how she was developing during my ultra sound from the first one at 8 weeks to the next at 20 weeks.  My body is not limited, it was granted the opportunity to do something more, something greater.  

Lastly, I really thought I would have serious self-esteem issues during pregnancy.  I was so focused on not getting chubby that I was losing sight of the big picture.   I didn't think I would feel pretty until maybe a year after my baby was born, after I had gotten some of my body back.  I don’t just feel cute, or pretty, but I feel truly beautiful.  It’s the first time in my life I can say that confidently without feeling embarrassed or like I’m being self-indulgent.  I’m also alright with whatever outcome needs to happen in terms of vanity in order to get her here.  I’m rubbing my skin with oils to prevent stretch marks, and I’m exercising because it makes me feel good and it’s encouraged by my doctor, but if I have stretch marks after this whole process is over, it isn't the end of the world.  If I’m chubbier than I've ever been, it also isn't the end of the world.   My husband loves me, and I was a little insecure coming into this that he wouldn't be as attracted to me pregnant, which is completely ridiculous because now that I’m experiencing it he hasn't done anything to demonstrate feelings of that nature.  He still tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me maybe even more so now.  I love this and even though it seems like nine months is a long time, it is flying by.  

 I wish I had more time to enjoy all the little things.  I love feeling her move, Sean has been able to feel her move from the outside, he will lay his head on my tummy or when he puts his hand on my tummy he will feel her move then, these moments are some of the best life has to offer.   I’m not sure if it’s the hormones, this new found love for my daughter, or a combination of the two, but I feel happy.  It’s a different “happy” feeling than the other happy moments in my life; it is just a general state of being.  I attribute it to pregnancy.  I’m grateful I have the opportunity to become somebody’s mommy.  It’s been the most fulfilling thing I have ever or could ever do.